I'm so tired. Working for almost ten hours completely gets to you.
This will be a rant. Warned.
I realized something last night. I slept over at Erik's, and totally broke into bits during the evening, started crying frantically and everything. It's funny, because I know it's from all the stuff going on at home, and yet none of it directly targets me.
Everyone in my family is in one way or another injured or ill right now, except from me. So I started wondering whatever I had done to be left out? Why on earth can't I share some of my parents struggles, put part on it on myself? Is this what you call sucker's luck? I have no idea.
However, then I realized that I'm not left out at all. I'm as deep into this shit as anyone, really, because I've (without noticing it myself) taking on the job of worrying. I worry all the bleeding time. I worry for my mum, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, I even worry for my dog. I worry for myself, I worry for everything changing, and I even worry about my family not being worried enough. I'm serious. But somehow it feels as though it isn't as bad if you worry, right? If you don't worry, you will be caught by mean surprise. But if you do worry, you're already expecting the worst.
That's why I'm struggling as well. But in my own ways. And it feels good that I realized, because I've been feeling guilty for not having anything extremely bad occurring to me while it at the same time seems to happen everyone else.
So, that's as far as my daily philosophy goes. I'm sleepy. Hungry. In need of writing. Mostly I'm just tired. Other than that, my day was good. Work was lovely as always, and not as bad as I had expected at all. The children are lovely.
Things really surprise you sometimes. I had expected only the worst out of this day, but it turned out pretty much okay. Maybe everything will? It's all I'm hoping for.
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