The Mesmerized

Right, things are looking better!

I still need to stop slacking of with my work, but this week I got real reasons, so stfu.

I decided to create my turret-cosplay at FULL SPEED and try to wear it at DreamHack this weekend. The costume itself isn't a problem, it's basically done already, but hte problem is my miniature turret that I will carry with me. The base is done, it's drying up in the garage atm, and tomorrow I will carve it. Hopefully it will get done, I'll try my best!

My wig arrived as well as my headphones, and I'm super excited. This is a super blurry pic, but it shows off the wig at least. Excitement!


Now I just hope E will finish his Rattmann-costume to match mine, and we're all set! Will post pictures if we make it (lol).

Also started listening to Simple Plan again. I missed them

Okay. Back. After three days of...puking. Barfing. Throwing up. Emptying my stomach. Right.

I hate being sick. I do have a never ending love for my bed, but it's not enough to make me stay in it for three days. Seriously, no. I would have died out of boredom if it wasn't for my phone <3 Seriously, Youtube is your best friend when you're too sick to leave your bed.

Anyway, it led to many new awesome videos being discovered.

Like this one <3

It's been an awesome weekend, really.

This Friday, E and I met up in town to attend the grand opening of Spira, our towns new concert hall. It was.. sucky. Honestly, what were they thinking? It's not very funny to stand outside in the cold weather, seeing nothing at all due to the huge amount of people blocking your way, and hearing nothing at all because the speakers sucked and were turned in a weird angle, making it impossible to hear anything at all. But at least the searchlights were pretty~

After that, we went to Bongo Bar (this is where I'd love to put the "as usual", but sadly we haven't been here often enough this autumn for me to correctly say it) and had some dinner. It was cosy, being back at Bongo, with the lovely atmosphere and good music (for once). I love how we were supposed to enjoy the weekend and relax, but we ended up constantly talking about our jobs anyway. It's because we love teaching too much <3

After that, we were super tired, so we took a long (lol) walk back to Torpa. It wasn't even 23.00 when we arrived at E's place, but I had been up working since 6.00 and I fell asleep at once, and E too. Behaving like seniors, lol.

Morning! We tried to hurry, but still hadn't left the apartment 'til around half past three or something. We went straight up to A6, intending to do some shopping for E's bedroom. After that I bought some needy but expensive make-up. THEN we finally bought our secret love-child; a sewing machine <3 Having two machines will greatly improve our cosplay productivity!

The evening was spent on ordering cosplay stuff on ebay (like some headphones for my turret cosplay. We found three good ones, and I couldn't decide upon which one I wanted, so I ordered all of them, haha). We also covered some crepe-hair tutorials for making a fake beard for E.

After that, the evening was spent on Sonic Adventure 2: Battle and Doctor Who. Perfect <3


So now I'm sitting here, Sunday evening. Been cleaning the house the entire day, and am finally finished. Will see if I get any work done tomorrow. Really want to start working on the turret, but have no material or wig whatsoever :C

Life feels okay. Not great and not crap. We'll see. I find it hard to stay positive when I have nothing to look forward to, and the only thing I'm able to look at right now is another week of work. Lovely work, sure, but still work.

Ah, well. Well just have to see~


BY THE BY I'M SUPER ADDICTED TO THIS GAME. PLAY IT.

I'm so tired. Working for almost ten hours completely gets to you.

This will be a rant. Warned.

I realized something last night. I slept over at Erik's, and totally broke into bits during the evening, started crying frantically and everything. It's funny, because I know it's from all the stuff going on at home, and yet none of it directly targets me.



Everyone in my family is in one way or another injured or ill right now, except from me. So I started wondering whatever I had done to be left out? Why on earth can't I share some of my parents struggles, put part on it on myself? Is this what you call sucker's luck? I have no idea.

However, then I realized that I'm not left out at all. I'm as deep into this shit as anyone, really, because I've (without noticing it myself) taking on the job of worrying. I worry all the bleeding time. I worry for my mum, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, I even worry for my dog. I worry for myself, I worry for everything changing, and I even worry about my family not being worried enough. I'm serious. But somehow it feels as though it isn't as bad if you worry, right? If you don't worry, you will be caught by mean surprise. But if you do worry, you're already expecting the worst.

That's why I'm struggling as well. But in my own ways. And it feels good that I realized, because I've been feeling guilty for not having anything extremely bad occurring to me while it at the same time seems to happen everyone else.

So, that's as far as my daily philosophy goes. I'm sleepy. Hungry. In need of writing. Mostly I'm just tired. Other than that, my day was good. Work was lovely as always, and not as bad as I had expected at all. The children are lovely.

Things really surprise you sometimes. I had expected only the worst out of this day, but it turned out pretty much okay. Maybe everything will? It's all I'm hoping for.

Current position: sitting on Erik's bed, all snuggled up under a blanket, vinegar chips to my right, Erik to my left, and a laptop with Doctor Who in my lap. In other words, everything is as it should be.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be at work at 8.30 and stay put until 17.30 when I can close up the kindergarten and go home. It's always tiring to work for such a long time (when you're working with three-year-olds, trust me), but I still like it. I love the place I'm at, I love my colleagues, the kids and everything about it. Something about children that are barely able to recall their own last names that captures me <3

Speaking of which, I have the most adorable conversation from work last week.
Scenario: I'm at the door at work, preparing to go home for the day, putting on my coat. One ofthe kids walks up to me, stares at me, and says:

"Where are you going?"
"Home!"
"But.. aren't you gonna pick up your kids from kindergarten first?"
"Haha, sorry, I don't have any kids."
"....really? How did they die?"


It's horrible, but I couldn't help myself from laughing out loud. I love my job <3


Yet my mind is still running the marathon. It's crazy, really. I won't put up any details here (the people who needs to know already knows) but there's a bit of a turmoil in my life at the moment, mostly due to several cases of unfortunate illness and injuries within my family. Surgeries, trips to the hospital, worries, everything about it. That is my excuse for being more or less absent-minded. Now you know.

Anyway, Erik started playng Wordfeud next to me right now, which probably means he's bored. I should go entertain him by pressing PLAY on Dr. Who again. That will satisfy him. I'm good with children (Y)

I'm going through some serious Portal-phase at the moment. KultCon:11 was awesome, and I partly blame myself for the not-so-discreet Portal theme that was put on the convention. Sorry, folks, addicitons have a tendency to spread through the air like a virus.

Anyway, that's why the opening skit was of course Portal. And the ending skit. As well. Gah, you know what; I'm one of the few people arranging the whole thing, it's my bloody right.

So we did a Portal 2-based skit, and it was amazingly fun, You can check it out here. And, it gets worse. I just finished my Emmersaur GLaDOS cosplay, but I'm already aching for more. Mostly because I wasn't completely satisfied with gladdy, and also because I really need to get out of this Portal itch, preferably by cosplaying more Portal <3

That is why Erik and me started - jokingly, at first - coming up with weird ideas for a turret and Doug Rattman cosplay, but after some hours of idea-spawning, we really wanted to try it out. If it turns out less-horrific, we might wear them at Constigt. If not, we probably never will.

Desperate attempt at preventing this entry from being all about Portal:

I really need to stop speculating when it comes to characters. When I start liking a character from wherever-it-might-be, I automatically come up with amazingly un-canon stories about them. It's probably a curse from my high school years, where pretty much everything you did needed to be analyzed~

Problem is, there isn't really much to be speculated about turrets? <---shut up, no more Portal.


To round things up, this entry's title comes from the amazing song "Don't call me a moron" by Miracle of Sound. Check it out!

I realized something today. I was thinking of what to write, and how to make it sound interesting. That's when it struck me - my life isn't that interesting at the moment. There is no way I could write interesting things for readers if I were to write only about my life. Like a personal blog.

Still that's sort of what I want. I need a place to write, a place to throw up my words on.

At the moment? I'm just sitting here, listening to Regina Spektor (I'm so pretto) and writing. I don't feel like playing WoW (really!?), I don't feel like cosplaying (even though my materials arrived today), I don't really feel like doing anything. So I write. Tomorrow is Midsummer Eve, and I'll be going to my boyfriends place for a party. Fun I suppose, but then? I'll go back to work. My very relaxed and not-very-job-like job as a project leader for my town's Sweet Art group. At least I get money. Which I will spend on travelling. But then what? What happens after that? I don't know.

I'm in that mood. The mood where I usually go out for a walk and sit on a rock on a hill for two hours and stare into the sky with music in my ears. Funny how I don't see it as a waste of time.

Right, so this was a depressing and pretentious post. Never mind, I just need to get it out of my head. It's no biggie. Hopefully tomorrow will be better? I have no idea to be honest. I just feel... sad, I suppose.

It's the music. It has a way of affecting me.

Funny, I don't seem to be able to stop writing today. It feels so good, like I could write forever. Just emptying my head. My hands are writing words without any real meaning, and my head isn't even involved. What am I supposed to do? I feel a little bit lost. So many people, things and relations to keep track on, and I'm just playing it off. Not caring much.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read this vomit. There will probably be more, but hopefully with some funnier posts in between.

I'll just keep throwing up my words as usual.

I'm playing around with a new design atm. We'll see how it turns out!

There are so manythings happening at the same time right now, I don't even want to describe it all. I'm seriously wondering how I'm going to cope with all this. I can't be a good school girl, a good friend, keep up with my hobbies, and at the same time be the best of support for my family. It doesn't work out that way.

I just wonder why everything has to come at once. I mean, where is the justice in this world? I'm not as worried about my sister as I am about my parents, and I seriously wonder how much more oof this shit they can take. I wish there was something I could do.

Until then, I am so glad I have my friends. My real friends, that is. I know which ones of you that really care, and which ones that just keep telling me it will get better without caring at all. Or just being curious. I dunno. It just feels weird.

However, to be able to take my sisters illness, my parents stress, school and everything that ocmes with it, I'll just have to focus on one thing at a time, I suppose. I really want to start writing more. I know this blog is atm very personal, and right now I want to keep it that way. I write the cosplay blog officially, that is enough. I need some private space as well, and this small space will work just fine for now. Even though I might never read this text again, it feels nice to get these thoughts out of my head. Fwoosh, away with you.

I hope, with all my heart, that it will get better. That those incompetent, idiotic bastards calling themselves doctors will finally get their thumbs out of their asses and start working. And the shrinks as well, otherwise they can go fuck themselves, litterally.

To be honest, I wonder how long I'm going to hold out myself. Spending an hour today home alone without knowing what was going on was horrible. And the worst part is that she doesn't even know it. Or more like, she doesn't care.

I hate everything right now.

Tomorrow I will have my first day at my temporary work, Willy's. I'm so fucking nervous it's insane. Mostly because the others in my class just spend this week by doing whatever the ywant to do, while I was stupid enough to take the teacher's word seriously and get a week-job. I'm going to be working from 8 to 16 in that freaking place. Hopefully I can "be sick" or something for the rest of the week, but at least I'm gonna try it out at least once...

Otherwise happy.